He did that! : 7 Things you can give up to pay for gas

Dixon Smith, Sports Department Head

Gas is more expensive now than ever. We live in a time where whenever you drive to the gas station, you have to bring at least two racks, a chain, and a stolen organ if you want to be able to fill half a tank.

Irritable public servants to the rescue! Government employees at the DMV have compiled a list of things deemed to be unnecessary that could also help fund expensive gas station investments.

Paying for rent

Whether you pay your rent payments late or on time, it’s time to plead for another eviction moratorium. Gas costs too much to spend money on anything else, and it’s time to show that filthy landlord who’s boss by squatting the property.

Your child’s college fund

Lord knows the little knucklehead isn’t going to need it. Last time you walked into his room he was playing Friday Night Funkin’ and had printed two 10’x10’ heart shaped posters of Roxanne Wolf. The part that is most concerning is that she was doing the whip and nae nae. It’s 2022… Move on, Roxanne…

All of the equipment left in Afghanistan

Biden f’ed up in Afghanistan, and now we have to pay for it. To make up for the billions of dollars of advanced equipment we left during our necessary, timely, and efficiently executed withdrawal from Afghanistan, they have shut down the Keystone Pipeline so that they can buy new toys like holograms of dead comedians and ‘roided up hamster brawls.

Your hopes and dreams

Assuming you aren’t majoring in medicine, actively using Twitter, or playing against Xbow cycle, you probably still have your hopes and dreams. Your determination is unbreakable; and no matter how many times your mom tells you to move out or get a job, you will continue to grind. (She doesn’t understand that you will be the next Fortnite millionaire).

Finding Love

Let’s face it, you are bad with women. Despite the best efforts of Alpha M and Anthony Spade and their methods of taming the female species, transforming into a Sigmale, and becoming the dominant Lone Wolf,  you aren’t supposed to bark at women like a dog to get them to like you. You’re supposed to piss on their front lawn and mark them as your territory in order to fend off other alphas. BARK BARK ARRRR WOOF WOOF!

Eating food

People say skipping meals isn’t healthy, but the story of Jesus resisting temptation for 40 days from the Bible actually predicted the 40 day intervals where you could afford a warm meal. Big Applebee’s and its minimum wage enslavees are your Devil, relentlessly enticing you with liposuction-worthy fried chicken tenders. People go hungry all the time in 3rd world countries so why can’t an American do it too?

Your car

Your primitive and troglodytic gasoline car can be replaced with an electric model. You don’t have to pay for gas if you don’t need it in the first place, for example, if you have access to the BAMF Cybertoy: an elegant prototype from Tesla headquarters with self-driving capabilities. Its small size is a safety measure to ensure that when it inevitably crashes into the neighborhood cat, there are fewer pieces to pick up.

Even with all of these ideas, there are still many more ways to afford existing, but this small list is all the DMV people are paid to do and you’d be darned if they did a good job at it.