Recently, AP Literature teacher Christian Holst had his students learn about satire, a writing style meant to criticize controversial topics through various techniques such as exaggeration and parody. Holst then assigned his students to write their own satirical pieces focusing on a topic of their choice. Here are some of the best examples, reprinted for your enjoyment.
Below are Holst and the editorial boards’ six favorite satires written by the AP Literature seniors.
Full Bladder, No Toilet: Kaitlin Pavlich and Derby Coykendall
I was sitting in class when all the sudden I felt the need to pee! So I took a stroll to the restroom where the toilets reside typically! I open the stall and to my lucky surprise, there was no toilet. It was so freeing to pee on the floor. I think these devious licks are a gift and they really connect us to our nature! I went to wash my hands but how exciting! No sink so I don’t feel the need to waste time getting my hands wet. During my next period we had to stand for the pledge. My whole class realized that the flag was not present! Everyone had been waiting for this moment to rest and not having to waste energy standing up. After that, the teacher wanted to start his lesson by turning the TV on but wait! Someone wanted to save some electricity by taking it. Everyone really appreciated not having to stare at a screen where the whole lesson plan was. The teacher finally had time to relax and sit back. The next morning, I arrive to school as always. There was no school. I love missing school.
#I♥️GlobalWarming: Adilia Leiva and Symphony Lozano
I love global warming. It’s made my hot girl summer dreams come true, literally. I don’t understand why everyone’s trying to stop it. It’s so much better than people think. California beaches used to be so cold and foggy which made it enjoyable to go in the water and so much harder to get a tan. Now the water is warmer and the sun shines brighter making it possible to enjoy more relaxing beach days and never miss out on a tan. It’s even helping me save money by not going to expensive tanning salons and instead, I just need to drive my 1960’s Volkswagon bus to the beach. And with sea levels rising fewer sea creatures invade my space giving me more room and water to surf. The weather has also allowed me to live out my rainy-day fantasies. Who wouldn’t want to sing or dance in the rain while recreating the iconic scene from The Notebook? People need to stop trying to slow the process of global warming, instead, we need to accelerate this to help more people live out their dreams. More emissions allow for more heat so I propose this: National Emissions Day! Instead of Earth Day, Emissions Day would make people happier. So many people are saying things are dying because of global warming, but at the beach, it’s so pretty once you move all of the coral pieces and dead fish around you. More emissions make more heat and more heat allows for more beach days! Let’s help global warming stay strong!
Golf: Gentlemen only, ladies forbidden: Maya London and Giana Gunasayan
Gender inequality has been an issue in sports for a long time. Only in the past hundred years have women been introduced into sports. Yet that doesn’t mean they have all been supported. One major factor in this inequality is the idea in biology that on a biological level, women and men are built differently. On average, women are built with a smaller bone structure and thus have different biomechanics based on their different roles in life. We can all come to the conclusion that women aren’t built strong enough, good enough, to compete with men on any level, especially on the golf course. It is clear women cannot hit the ball as far as men given women’s delicate bird bones. This is why nobody cares about women playing golf. All they do is aimlessly wander around the course seeking mansplation. This is a burden to all men competing in a serious competition against their buddies. Women are distractions, always wailing, begging for men to give attention to their “golf skills.” Women waste precious time meant for cleaning and cooking on a biologically unattainable skill set. Many argue that women deserve the same opportunities as men. But we’ve tried that and women still fall short of the drunken man’s skill. No one even pays attention to the “skill” in women’s sports. We are wasting air time on a division created out of pity called the “LPGA.” Their lousy funding should be put into the actual golf division: the PGA. In short, it is in the best interest of humanity to give back man’s sacred land where ladies are rightfully forbidden.
Not enough education: Kate Lodge
Everyone on campus has heard the allegations, that there was too much harmful content in the school library. Things like math and literature textbooks filled the shelves. People demanded a change and the librarian agreed, that we need more pornographic material in the learning environment to teach students about something truly important…sex. As soon as students could say the word “pornography” the library was filled with education, poles stretched to the ceiling with the most beautiful exotic dancers educating the students. Televisions on every wall played films depicting experienced teachers enlightening students on physical education. Change machines were placed by the door to teach students how to count money in one-dollar bills. While the unbelievable suggestion to decide what material they consume in the library was posed. Everyone agreed that wasting time on ridiculous information like algebra is devastating, and it should be mandatory that students are only exposed to the beauty of exotic dancers and revealing films to create the most experienced and well-rounded students that Arroyo Grande High School has ever seen.
Solution for School Shootings: Chainlink Fences: Judah Hill and Graham DeBlauw
They’ve finally done it! They’ve finally figured out how to effectively prevent school shootings at AGHS. Two words…chainlink fences! These state-of-the-art metal barriers provide an astounding 3 whole extra seconds for students and staff to hide in the locked classrooms, which also confuses shooters into thinking that no one’s at school. But for those shooters who are clever enough to figure out that students are still present, the fences will serve their second purpose: to prevent the shooter from escaping the retaliating mob of well-trained, level-headed AGHS students. “I’m so glad the school board is investing my taxes into a system that will keep my child safe and prevent any shooters from the wrath of my kid,” stated local parent John Smith. “I’m so excited!” Some foolish students believe the fence will not be effective. “That is absolutely ridiculous!” exclaimed Joe Schmo, school board president. “We greatly value the lives and safety of our students and there is no way for anyone to ever outsmart this system.” The school will be accepting any and all donations to dump marbles around the school to further slow school threats.
Stop the vape checks: Christian Guerrero and Austin Byrum
It’s been a hard day. As you walk into the bathroom, you smell it. You know that your day just got worse. Surrounded by the fruity smell, you sense the vapers in the nearby stall. One moment in the bathroom, the next in the office, administrators joyously rifling through your stuff. The solution to getting caught in vape checks? Allow it. Let it happen. If you don’t break a rule, there’s no vape to hide. No? Then how about the last ten minutes of class be designated as vape time? Let them get it out while under a teacher’s supervision, safely and responsibly. But no, some say we can’t allow and condone vaping. Okay, then we ought to have certain bathrooms for vapers only, so the other students won’t get vape checked, and the vapers can be easily caught in the act. I’m sure that labeling these rooms as “party rooms” will do the trick. But then again, we shan’t ostracize our vaping Eagle friends. Vape assemblies, vaping 101 classes, and even vape Greek Week will ensure that we all feel welcome. We have approached vaping wrong and we must fix our bigoted ways.
