President Houseplant

President Houseplant with Midas’ touch, from the thumbnail of a Ben Shapiro Show youtube video

President Houseplant with Midas’ touch, from the thumbnail of a Ben Shapiro Show youtube video

Dixon Smith, Sports Department Head

President Joe Hidin’ hides in his basement (Basement Biden), sleeps (Sleepy Creepy Joe), and talks to his girlfriend who lives on the east coast of China (Beijing Biden). Joe also does political favors for her family, but only because her hair smells just like Lucy Flores’. Joe is no stranger to political favors and family, like his threat to withhold one billion dollars to the Ukrainian government unless they let Hunter Biden keep his job as director at Ukraine’s largest private gas producer.

Tragically for Joe, you can’t smell hair over the Chinese internet as this Skype function has been locked by the Chinese government. This doesn’t bother Joe. He tells her that he will find a way to be with her hair no matter what XI “Winnie the Pooh” Jinping thinks of their love.

Joe comes out of his basement rarely, but makes exceptions for his annual press conferences. Joe doesn’t really like press conferences that much because frankly, they are too boring and political. After all, being the President of the United States is hard work, so when an ice cream truck comes by and Joe hears a sirenic jingle, what else is he supposed to do but walk away from the podium. For it is written that Republicans at the January 6th convention shall not live by bread alone, but by eating some Chocolate-Chocolate Chip -Joeverbs 4:17.

Joe’s favorite chocolate craving republican is the previous Commander In Beef Donald Stump, Joe’s other son who likes talking about negative press covfefe. When Donald tries handling an ice cream cone, he often drops it because of the stubbiness of his fingers. He often handles viruses pretty badly too; but whether that is due to stubby fingers or getting orange spray tan in his eyes, we don’t know.

Joe treats his lil’ adventure capitalist regularly, ensuring that he will one day be plump enough to feed that windigo that lives under the foundation of his house named Jen Psaki. Fun fact, windigo’s and politicians are both the mythical embodiment of greed and hunger. Fun fact, Psaki comes from greek/polish origin and means dog or canine, which is fitting to a canine’s favorite thing to do: running in circles, just like Jen Psaki circles back to topics during press conferences that the U.S. government is to say lightly “morally incorrect” on.

Joe gets lots of phone calls, many of which he is too busy to answer and needs to ignore like a responsible POTUS. Much of President Houseplant’s time is consumed by sorting his daily medication into pillboxes and filling out “important documents,” such as this week’s crossword and sudoku. But when he isn’t signing important documents, he is being watered twice a day and waiting patiently in the corner of the room for sunlight to finally creep up the windowsill and onto his leafy appendages. 

Despite this, he was available to listen to a call coming from Donald’s school about the BLOATUS’ F grade in his Virus Response and Public Safety class. President Houseplant immediately ordered the commandeering of Donny’s phone privileges, nicknaming the order Operation Toupee. Donny’s F is something Joe previously promised he would overlook as long as Mr. Stubbs cried about it for long enough. For example, if he cried from November 20th, 2020 to January 6th 2020.

“DONALD BLOATUS TRUMP!” Joe roared. Joe rarely uses his outside voice. He doesn’t even use it when the Taliban murders Americans during the withdrawal from Afghanistan. He must be REALLY angry with Donald.

A real tweet Donald made, showing us Rocky Balboa’s inspiration

Annoying Orange, like any child, doesn’t like it when Joe Lie’din starts sentences with his full name and needs a way out of this punishment. Trump loves making excuses for his poor performance; take his character during the second 2020 presidential debate as an example. But this time, Joe Biden being riddled with dementia isn’t his excuse for things going wrong. To get out of responsibility Darth Tax Evader says his F grade is fake news made up by the Democrats and Nancy Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi is a teacher at The House of Vegetatives Elementary School, an institution for the politically challenged located in the south wing of the U.S. capital. Pelosi says that Donald doesn’t get along with other kids, poking fun at them or giving them embarrassing nicknames. Bag of Sunken Eyes and Wrinkles also said that you need to wear a mask when you leave your home; unless of course, you are her and desperately need to get your hair done at a salon. 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is the principal at THV Elementary and rarely sees other toddlers fail the way Joe’s Tangerine Twitter Machine does. If he keeps this up she might have to issue disciplinary action; unhinging her jaws and swallowing him whole such as that of Jormungandr from Norse Mythology. But that’s okay because we all know how likely it is that a politician receives consequences for their actions. 

Offended by and fearful of repercussions, he drops out of Vegetatives Elementary and decides to make his own school; but since his skyscraper in New York is full of gold-plated toilets and prostitutes, he has to host it online. Naming it “Truth Social University”, Trump is the kid that takes his toy guns home after he starts losing the nerf war.