Don’t Pee on Your Feet: a Gentleman’s Brief Guide to Bathroom Etiquette


Got confidence? (Alex Yosifov on Flickr)

Dixon Smith, Sports Department Head

If the bathroom situation at AGHS represents how our boys treat the bathrooms they use at home, you all need Jesus.

But never fear, a gentleman’s advice is here!

Let’s pursue a short discussion on the do’s and do not’s of where to point The Ambassador when in any public restroom.

DON’T write naughty things on the mirrors in sharpie. Do you kiss your mother with that marker? Speaking of kissing, buy some chapstick. And no, chapstick isn’t just for ladies, it is for gentlemen who take care of themselves.

DO wash your dang hands. Nobody knows where your hands have been, and nobody wants to find out by contracting your stall cooties, so just do the world a favor and wash them after you finish shaking hands with The Mayor.

DON’T pee on the toilet seat. As tempting as it might be to let your Johnson free and leave the problem for someone else to clean up, at least try to aim for the bowl. We live in the 20th century in the most developed country in the history of the world and you can’t swing The Captain’s Saber straight for longer than 3 seconds without adding your shoelaces to the calamity.

DO provide a courtesy flush once in a while if the crockpot’s been cooking for longer than expected, we aren’t savages. Besides that, what did you even eat?

DON’T try to salvage your vape after it falls into the water. Just throw that crap away and don’t get a new one, because nobody liked the aromal combination of cotton candy and burrito farts anyway.

DON’T go to the bathroom with your friends. The only thing you would need to go as a group for is for drugs, texting your Baes *eggplant emoji*, or copping yourselves a most devious lick, and God knows what else. All of which aren’t tolerated by school policy.

Well, that was it: A Gentleman’s Brief Guide to Bathroom Etiquette. May your behavior be chivalrous and your aim adequate, lest ye await the scorn of campus administrators. And with that, I bid you adieu.