As journalists, we look back at the older stories for inspiration. While looking down at an archive of stories, there was one in particular that caught our attention. The Milk Story, written by Ethan Weller. Where he and Ethan Maniscalco had the bright idea to drink a whole gallon of milk. Just to see if they could. (Which they couldn’t). Edgar had the bright idea to do the same thing but with a twist:
Chocolate milk.
We chose chocolate milk because we wanted to pay homage to the original milk story that came before us, and hopefully, someone will do the same with ours in the future—with a different flavor of milk, of course.
Even after thoroughly reading the Milk Story, we were advised not to do this. Ever. But, as wise men said before us: we ball.
We began our milk journey with the retrieval of said chocolate milk. First, we walked to a Mexican market to try and retrieve the milk for cheaper. We didn’t want to go straight to Vons because that milk was $7 too expensive. Unfortunately, our plans were foiled when we only found a gallon of regular milk.
We bit the bullet and started our journey to Vons. When we got to their milk section, we thought that we were going to have to spend $14 because we couldn’t find a whole gallon of milk. Luckily, we found a gallon of chocolate milk for $5. We celebrated our milk retrieval with snacks bought with the rest of the money.
I was not drinking the milk, that was all Edgar, so I got a beverage that I could actually enjoy. Red Bull. To be fair, I wouldn’t drink a gallon of Red Bull either.
We returned to Edgar’s house and made our way to the backyard where the milk consumption would take place. Before Edgar started his descent into the milk depths, we laid out a few ground rules, like our predecessors. Edgar was going to try to drink the milk for as long as he could. We set our timer at 30 minutes. Enough time to possibly drink all of that milk. If he were to throw up, we would stop. If not, we would call that a win for team Edgar.
“I’m worried. Mostly for my white shirt,” Cortes said before the milk consumption began.
Oh, what fools we were before this began.
Edgar started drinking the milk. From what I saw, he was doing well for those first few minutes, taking big gulps of milk. That quickly turned into looks of disgust and sheer force of will began to take over.
To say the least, I was worried about my poor friend drinking a whole gallon of chocolate milk, but he pressed on, taking breaths between each gulp. He forced himself not to quit early by throwing up. Slowly, but surely, he downed more milk. The looks he gave were painful in their own right.
After the halfway point of the gallon, he slowed considerably. At one point, he had told me that he wanted to throw up so he wouldn’t have to continue drinking. Then, he took another drink of the milk.
Edgar had reached the 15-minute mark on our timer before throwing up. A win for Team Milk. As the good friend that I am, I turned around and almost threw up alongside him. Luckily, I didn’t have to taste my Red Bull for a second time that evening.
“It felt like being punched in the stomach for a long time. Like one punch that lasts forever,” Cortes said.
Before this whole debacle had even started, he thought it was going to be simple. But, by the looks that I had seen, it definitely wasn’t.
“[After the first sips] it felt like it was going to be the easiest thing in the world. After the fifth one, oh boy. It was not,” Cortes said.
After all of this—the journey, the milk, the throwing up—we, for some reason, decided to go get Taco Bell, so the evening wasn’t a complete loss in the end. We got the content, so we decided to treat ourselves with tacos.
Like our predecessors, I wouldn’t entirely recommend doing this. But, they did put a warning, and here we are. So, if you’re as curious (and possibly as crazy) as we were, it is an interesting way to find out if you can drink a whole gallon of milk.
To answer the question “Does choccy milk make pain go away??”, we would have to say no. Not by a long shot.
