Hello, my name is Favin Beonard. I am from the past, and this modern society is an absolute train wreck. This little device people carry around and utilize this thing that they call an app, “TikTok,” whatever that means. But this blasphemy is polluting the minds of our youth. Everywhere I go, I hear these little devices blasting in my ears. Within their own social ignorance, blasting their phones as loud as possible, they not only deteriorate and consume themselves but also those around them in absolute nothingness. At this point, we should all just blast our TikToks for everyone to hear! Because we all care so much about what your tiny little mind needs to numb itself. They spread these inappropriate videos out loud for all to hear, and somehow can watch the same video many times. People think that we can fix this by staying aware of their surroundings and who’s around them, but that’s too much work for these doomscrollers. Also, there are headphones that they could use; the headphones are too tight for their heads, and the direct blasting of TikToks can hurt their ears. Lastly, the easiest way would be to not use TikTok in public places, but TikToks are too amazing to stop watching. All of these solutions are improbable due to the fact that these goons will never change their doomscrolling habits. I have taken it upon myself to create an absolute solution that will not only help these goons but also benefit us as well. We will simply have their phones self-destruct once reaching a certain decibel level while in public. That way, one day to have a world of peace without TikTok. We need people to be more conscious in public and not get sucked into their devices.

Submitted for your most humble consideration,

Favin Beonard

It has come to my attention the reasoning behind the continued ignorance and failure on behalf of the Arroyo Grande local government to fix the broken bridge on Cecchetti Road in Arroyo Grande, Ca.- and in light of this knowledge, I wholeheartedly and respectfully resign any frustration I may have previously felt towards any member of our local community government for failing to fix the bridge on a road so crucial for country-folk transportation for three years. The decision on behalf of our local government to prioritize the trout species that rightfully presides in the Arroyo Grande creek over the families maintaining residence on the other side of the bridge represents a strong, meaningful and powerful employment of empathy for the revered fish, and I applaud our government for promoting the peace and safety of the hallowed trout of the Arroyo Grande creek. However, the question stands: How will the people (that campaign for a harmful, havoc-wreaking bridge to kill and destroy the beautiful trout) reach their homes? And for this I propose a solution: we humbly surrender our homes to the hallowed trout, and seek new residency within the murky creek that the perfect fish have been so insensitively expected to preside in all their lives. It’s time to practice humility and respect for those things that are above us, and we shall be grateful for this opportunity. 

“Well,” the ignorant neighboring farmer may plead, “If money is the issue for the bridge construction, we may a.) pay an additional tax to our government for the bridge construction, b.) re-direct funding for environmental agencies towards bridge construction, and c.) gather money from each neighbor to construct a bridge ourselves.”. But this sad, dim chap, in his attempt to solve a problem to reach his house, misses the point entirely. We are not above these fish, and we don’t hold the power to destroy their home in a selfish attempt to reach ours. It’s not about money; it’s about local trout awareness and the practice of respect. 

Upon switching places with the beloved trout species, we will allow full surrender of all possessions, and we will, as Thoreau so promoted, “live deliberately” within the waters of the creek, lacking, of course, all material possessions and vanities. In exchange, the beautiful fish will receive a promotion from their past life and disrespected position in the polluted creek to live the life they deserve, driving our sports cars, sleeping in our beds and eating our fresh-caught fish. I see no fault within this plan, and I await response to my proposal with cheerfulness. 

Submitted for your most humble consideration,

John Price

The NeeDoh epidemic is one that is going to go down in history books. NeeDohs are essential to survival, right up there with food and water. They are restocked, then without a blink of an eye they vanish. The shelves are empty and the world is ending. It reminds me of the toilet paper epidemic of 2020, the closest we’ve previously been to the end of the world. It is a little disappointing that they have seemed to vanish from the planet entirely. Ignorant people have suggested some seemingly common-sense solutions. They say we should limit the amount of NeeDohs each person can buy or increase the supply. Stupid people. They act like the employees have some secret NeeDoh factory in the back of stores that they can use to restock.They suggest we put locks on them in the stores. Stupid people. They act as if NeeDohs are as valuable as expensive jewelry locked up in safes. It is vital that the government declares a national NeeDoh emergency before civilization is destroyed for all of eternity. Since NeeDohs are essential for survival, the government must step in to take action. At this point, doing so may be our only chance to save mankind.

Submitted for your most humble consideration,

NeeDed Helper

Dearest members of Earth’s community,

With your technology’s advancements and skyrocketing production levels, you have created, mindlessly bought, and apathetically discarded, more quickly than any other era in history. These mindless purchases have also led to insane waste, carbon emissions, hoarding, and a loss of individuality. With the influence of the masses, your planet is being slowly but surely killed. And unfortunately for you, you’ll go with it. Although solutions such as reusing materials, buying only necessary items, or sustainable consumption have been encouraged; unfortunately it is not enough. You are far past trusting the individual to self-regulate their spending habits, and must instead step in as an authoritative government with an iron fist. However, we have come up with a solution to all of these harrowing problems. The plan is to implement spy cameras funded by the government in order to track every individual’s waste production and consumption habits. Our initial fee for going over the limit of 100 pounds per month, you will first get off with a warning and $5,000 fee. However, going over 125 pounds will result in foreclosure of your house, resulting in its subsequent destruction and return to its natural environment. Our volunteers are more than happy to complete all this work for you, if only you were to exceed the monthly trash limit! At over 150 pounds, you will win a mandatory space expedition funded by our government for a member of your family. Fret not parents, for the more children you have in your life, the more opportunities you have to redeem yourself in the eyes of our ever present government. In fact, this “punishment” could benefit our communities and your children as well. Not only do we get free labor, your son or daughter receives an unforgettable trip to a place never before seen by humanity. Due to this program, we have already created multiple safe work environments on Mars, Pluto, Neptune, and even the moon! There are a multitude of planets and industries to immerse yourself in such as coal mining, oil rigging, and rare plant harvesting (below minimum wage of course). At this point in your planet’s life, there is absolutely no other feasible solution to humanity’s problems, and this unique opportunity for your environment and next generation will truly cure the epidemic that is the human race. As a lizard-person disguised as a human, this would not personally benefit me and my colleague, however, we wanted to relay our thoughts to such an inferior species in order to hopefully help your kind.

Submitted for your most humble consideration,

Pelon Schmuck and Bark Buckerberg

Without a doubt coastlines are filled with natural beauties of the world, the endless amounts of sand, shiny treasures, colorful arrays of bottles and debris that contribute towards the scenic beauty of the shore. These treasures should be valued for what they are, prized by their abundance, and not viewed upon as something to be removed! I propose to value and keep these items and resources on the beach for the greater good of the environment, along with human satisfaction. The countless items scattered around the sand can be transformed into an economic opportunity for many. The cost for its removal, along with the effort and environmental impact of working hard and removing all of the sources of secondhand beauty would surpass the economic benefits we would be able to achieve through converting it into a tourist attraction. With this in mind, it is encouraged that locals and tourists alike should contribute and add on to the colorful assortments and arrangements found on the beach. There are simply no other solutions I could think of that could combat this proposal, like simply cleaning and picking them up, creating fines and punishments for cleaning waste, or recognizing the environmental impacts of the situation at hand. There isn’t enough color or items on the shore yet!

Submitted for your most humble consideration,
J. Waste