In recent times our country has been plagued by a great evil. Everytime a good hardworking American steps on to the grounds of a gas station they have their hard earned money stolen. Every time they merely try to fill their tank, big corporations take advantage and rob them blind. The state plays a pivotal role in this injustice, putting a tax that spikes the already ridiculous prices.
Other narrow minded people have suggested a switch to electric vehicles. While this seems like a good idea when you don’t think about it very hard it has a major glaring issue. How could you expect someone to buy a whole new car to “save money in the long run”? Electric vehicles just look stupid, they lack the qualities of a true american automobile, like honda civic.
Another common idea is to remove the state tax on gas to make it cheaper. While this may work in a small decrease in price, it’s not like it’s the government’s job to operate in the interests of people. It would be absurd to expect them to help in this endeavor.
A similarly less thought out “solution” is prompting the use of public transportation. However this is outrageous for one simple reason, public transportation doesn’t get you exactly where you want to be. Do you really expect someone to walk the last treacherous one hundred or so steps to their destination? That would be ridiculous
So I have a brilliant idea, extremely simple to implement, that would solve all of these issues. A simple ban of gravity. I demand that congress and the president ban gravity in the United States during the hours of 6 am to 11 am and 5pm to 10pm. It goes without saying that keeping the gravity banned all the time is preposterous so I argue we only ban it during crucial hours of travel. This simple ban would eliminate the need for gas, just a simple push of your car and you’d effortlessly glide away. Since our politicians can’t seem to solve the wars that are spiking our gas prices we should attack this issue in a much easier way than “not starting unnecessary wars” by outlawing gravity. Think of all the benefits this would also bring to children. It would be a fun activity for all ages, visiting space is the dream of many young minds, and while some may lose their way in our solar system it would be an educational experience nonetheless. Honestly if you ask me the small loss in children to the great embrace in space is worth saving that crisp twenty dollar bill that would be spent at the gas pump. But alas I have no stake in this as I have no need to save money, on account of my great wealth. and merely suggest this to benefit the masses.

Submitted for your most humble consideration,
Palmbeach Pete

We live in a period of immense online discourse. Social media has enabled the mass spreading of content that glorifies people’s characteristics. When overwhelmed by a flood of images and videos that present the top 1% of models, comparison is only natural. And when one compares themselves to the top 1% the imminent feelings is one of inadequateness.

This feeling of inferiority has only been intensified by numerous self help gurus utilizing peoples insecurity to promote themselves. This has quickly turned problematic as the self help space has been distorted from helping people to promoting drastic injections and surgeries.

I believe it to be of utmost importance this modern problem be addressed before plastic surgeons have too much work to take on. Or the field of plastic surgery becomes too powerful because of its financial growth.

Through my vast research on this problem I have concurred a solution that adjourns this issue. I know of a well known content creator from America. Through innovative practice he has fixed his own insecurities through self surgery. Trial and error, trialing multiple self administered rhinoplasties he has affixed his nose at what he has studied to be the optical degree of appeal.

My well known acquaintances discovery is the proposal I seek to spread. To practice self mutilation tells each person’s individual innovation exceeds that of the appeal any professional could achieve. This solves the issue of the poor not having access to professional intervention due to financial constraints and additionally prevents the surgical profession from becoming too financially powerful. I can think of no potential concern for this proposal other than from the plastic surgery field themselves out of fear of losing a portion of their patrons.

Because of this modest solution let no man talk to me of nonsense alternatives. Many have promoted the encouragement of self-love rather than comparison, censoring those who exploit insecurities, or focusing on what is known as “soft-maxxing”: activities such as going to the gym or drinking more water. Do not let one indulge in these foolish solutions. Self-love is a concept detached from reality. No amount of self-love will ever make one hold a candle to those designated as HTNs or Chads. Censoring those who promote drastic measures is an impossible task, those who capitalize off others securities are inevitable given human nature. And soft-maxxing will never compare to the results those with platforms promote.

I have no self interest in promoting the innovations my acquaintance has pioneered. No motive, other than the public good of those who have been victimized by this modern issue.

Submitted for your most humble consideration,
Sternum

As an observer of modern education, I have noticed a growing issue among students: chronic sleep deprivation. Many students feel overwhelmed with homework, extracurricular activities, and the constant pressure to succeed academically. This has led to exhaustion, decreased focus, and declining performance in school.

Some have suggested reducing homework, but this would lower academic standards and leave students unprepared for what lies ahead. Others argue for later school start times, yet this would disrupt schedules and reduce discipline. Another common idea is teaching better time management, but this assumes students already have time available, which is rarely true.

Therefore, I propose a more effective solution: students should be surgically modified to function without sleep. Through a rigorous procedure, students should undergo anesthesia so that doctors can remove melatonin receptors in the brain, creating the ability to be able to operate without any rest. Students would be able to operate at all hours, and schools could make this a required system to ensure maximum academic output.

This method would benefit student health, as they would no longer experience the stress of too little sleep while also increasing efficiency and performance. Students would be able to work continuously with great effectiveness. Any side effects, such as fatigue or emotional strain, would be minor issues.

This proposal is made with complete seriousness and no personal interest other than improving student success.

Respectfully submitted,
The Eagles National Slightly Above Average Society

The major separating factor in today’s society that we face too often is biases such as that of racism. We see brown, yellow, and blue being displayed under the white coconut – popsicles. So disgraceful. Separated by their colors alone not their flavors. But wait! There’s a solution to all this. If we make everyone blind and deaf, just like Hellen Keller, then people will judge solely based on flavor and not based on one’s color. If they can’t see or hear, only taste, then there is no way one’s color will ever be critique able characteristic. It’s a no-brainer. To begin with explaining this solution, it is most important that when kids are born right out of the womb we pour hydrochloric acid directly into their eyes and puncture their ear drums with an ice pick, for good measure. Numerous parents will find themselves loving this idea. It’s an easy and cost effective solution. This answer has been sitting right in front of us. By mandating that all people have to undergo this procedure, it is suggested that all adults be able to go to their local hospitals in order to receive the process of becoming deafblind. Hospitals will be able to carry out these operations in a sterile environment by medical professionals.

The biggest concern for most when being cleansed of bias through this method is being able to navigate their lives. As we see today, blind people are perfectly able to coordinate their surroundings. Those who might also be wondering about doctors? Well, Tim Cordes, who is a blind man that graduated from the University of Wisconsin, was able to become a doctor and practice medicine. This proves that humans are fully capable of being doctors without vision. Another concern may be that without hearing, navigating may be even more difficult. The answer to this is; utilizing animals to our benefit. We see many blind folk using service animals like canines to help them navigate. Those who have and will have deafblindness use not only just service animals but they also utilize canes to feel their surroundings. To further alleviate the stresses of navigating, we can help each other by being conservators and assisting those around us with deafblindness. There are already systems and technology in place to assist the deaf and blind and now that we have that, we can finally implement the solution.

By utilizing this method, we can manufacture “Hellen Keller’s” like there’s no tomorrow. We will be able to construct an army of them and not only then will we be able to take over the world. The problem so problematic with a blatantly obvious solution will soon be solved. Bigots will be begging for mercy as their eyes get filled with the acid and their ears with cement. Finally the whole world will be happy, and liberated from racial bias

Submitted for your most humble consideration,
Sneakers O’Toole

As academic observers and concerned rational projectors, we have taken it upon ourselves to figure out the enfeebling and persistent condition commonly referred to as senioritis, a widespread and rapidly increasing affliction in which otherwise immune students lose all capability to attend school. This condition is not laziness but rather a systematic failure. After countless years of compulsory attendance, seniors are expected to maintain their unparalleled enthusiasm and engagement while working with material that is irrelevant and forced to attend redundant lectures.

While some may propose stricter consequences for absences, such measures would merely encourage students to refine their capabilities in avoiding detection. Others might argue that strong social circles would incentivize attendance due to pure enjoyment of their peers; however, this overlooks a critical insight: such friendships are far more enjoyable off the campus. A third solution, often suggested, is fun event hosted at the school, similarly failing to address the root of the issue, and also more enjoyable in a different setting.

Therefore, we propose the practical alternative: the demolition of the Arroyo Grande High School AG Parking lot and its replacement with a modest beach with waves, accompanied by a roller coaster. Students, when not actively engaged in critical tasks, may be written a pass to visit this facility and maintain their attendance. Critics may claim this would distract from learning, while clearly separated from the direct learning environment. Rather than detracting from the onset of knowledge, we contend that it acknowledges reality and nurtures our seniors’ potential.

By aligning the school with the actual interests of students, seniorities may finally be eradicated. We assure you all that we have no personal interest in beachfront roller coasters to even the slightest degree.
Submitted for your most humble consideration,

Senior Motivation Specialist, Educational Efficiency Strategist